I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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