when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
