Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
