Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
