so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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