I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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