I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
