hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
