Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
