i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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