It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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