Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think your dad took our porno
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
