In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
