I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
