The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
