Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
