When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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