Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
