yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
