Your dad touched me again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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