We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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