I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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