So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
