There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
