Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
