I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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