Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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