Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
