True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know her cup size but not her name....
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