im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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