my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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