Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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