Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Everclear isn't food dammit
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