You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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