What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
how drunk are you?
Several
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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