You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I look better un-naked...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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