Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
