Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
