I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
