I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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