oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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