When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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