I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
