I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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