I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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