the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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