Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
