watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
