We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
