I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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